Parents

God I hope my relationship with my future kids isn't going to be like my relationship with my parents.
This is something I am sincerely worried about.

Not that my parents are bad parents. I am old enough to realize and acknowledge that they've given me everything. And I'm grateful. I turned out okay.

But their definition of an ideal parent-child relationship seems to be very different than mine.
Or maybe it's close to the being same but we just don't know how to get there. It's like we're trying to build the same building but I'm using brick and they're using concrete. Eventually, we realized we were using different materials, we threw up our arms in frustration, squabbled over which one is better, and then gave up all together.

I assure myself that our relationship is obstructed by barriers of the cultural sort. We were born in different countries, into different lifestyles, different languages, ways of thinking.

Perhaps it won't be as bad when I have kids. I don't plan on moving out of the country. Maybe it'd be better.
I mean, I realize there are other factors that go into making a family work...but it has to be better.

I'm going to be pretty depressed if it isn't.

EDIT: In response to a postsecret, someone wrote "This made me wonder if sometimes a happy childhood needs a parent's unhappy childhood to make it so."
Hmm.

I want to...

- crochet a hat
- take a figure drawing class
- take a photography class
- get an 80's camera that uses film
- make tie-dyed shirts
- learn how to compose music on the piano
- get better at the ukulele
- learn the harmonica
- get one of those weird contraptions that allows you to play the harmonica hands free.
- learn drum basics. Not good enough to be in a band, but enough to know how to keep a beat.
- find someone who knows how to play the cello and make him/her my best friend.
- brush up on world history
- find a job or internship and beef up my resume
- study abroad in Asia next summer
- redye my hair
- get that cartiledge piercing
- get that tattoo
- look badass
- feel badass
- win the lottery to pay for all of the above. (Close enough.)

EDIT:
- swing dance

Tribute to Gays

I friggin love gay people.

I love them so much that I am surprised I haven't expressed this love in an earlier entry.

I love power lesbians.
I wish I was a power lesbian but, beside that brief stint of confusion in 8th grade, I'm pretty sure I'm straight.
And it almost feels like you can't be a real hardcore power female unless you are lesbian, in politics/business, or underwent some sort of cruelty in the hands of men.
I'm not into politics, too much of a pushover for business, and I've only had to endure a couple catcalls and a perverse second cousin who has been shunned from the family for his misdeeds.

But mostly, I love gay guys.
I think I fantasize about finding my perfect gay best friend just as much as, if not more so than finding my perfect husband. (You can divorce your "perfect husband, but gay best friends are for forever!)
I already know what he'd look like. He'd look like Mr. Love from the art museum. I am not even giving him a pseudonym to disguise his identity. 'Love' is really his last name.
He is a short man with distinguished thick-rimmed spectacles, a dignified beard of white, and an arresting bald head. He ties his pastel sweaters around his shoulders and smokes with one hand holding the cig and the other on his waist, leaning cool-y against the nearest edifice. I daydream about skipping down Fifth Ave in New York with him, our shopping bags swinging happily to the beat of our clicky shoes.

While I was staying in the hostel in New York, I met this Haitaian dude. We were talking one night, when we got onto the topic of homosexuality. He claimed he had no problem with gay people, and then tried to explain why seeing two guys making out makes him uncomfortable. He slurred (he was on his 3rd can of cheap beer), "I am a mahn. Mahsculine. It's..ah..weird to see two mahn kiss. Too much..mahsculine, you know? Too...how do you say...powahful. Girls ahre sahft. When two girls kiss, it's not as...eh..overpahwering, yes?"
He tried to get me to say that I like seeing two girls make out more than guys.
Honestly, Brokeback Mountain kind of turned me on. Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhal immediately went on my to do list after seeing that film.

And then he proposed this situation to me, in which I am talking to this good looking chick at a bar, had a couple drinks, having a good time, and all of a sudden she kisses me. Would I kiss back?
I told him, I'd be flattered but I probably wouldn't because it'd be leading her on and because...I'm straight. I am more likely to make out with a girl friend, knowing it's just a drunken act of delirium, than a female stranger, who may actually be attracted to me.
And then I tried to awkwardly explain to him that most of the times when chicks make out, it's not because they are attracted to each other, but for the attention. There's a difference between drunken girls soaking up the spotlight and lesbians who have probably been hiding their sexual preferences for good portions of their lives. I gave up eventually, figuring he's not going to remember any of this anyway, made up some lame excuse about having to make a "emergency phone call" that he won't remember either, and went to bed.

But it got me thinking. Why is it more socially acceptable for two girls to kiss than two guys? Girls seem to be puckering their lips for each other all the time. You don't ever see two guys kissing on screen unless it is a Rated R film about a gay couple. And even then, it's usually just a peck on the lips and some hand holding.
Does it all come down to it being a "men's world?" Men like girl on girl action. Girls use it to get the attention of men. Therefore, female make out sessions are more prevalent.
If it was a "women's world," would gay porn proliferate, making guys making out more socially acceptable? In turn, would gay guys be more reserved and lesbians more flamboyant? Would flaming queens be replaced by fiery kings?

I don't know. It's over thinking stuff like this that makes me realize that gender roles are too far entrenched to be an effective feminist about it.
Not that I would mind the proliferation of gay porn though. Have you seen the guys in straight porn? They are almost always old, fat, and in desperate need of Rogaine. God forbid the male audience of pornographic cinema to be threatened by the sight of a good looking dude while jerking off.

Patrons

I usually write haikus when I am bored at the museum, but 17 syllables or less would not do this man justice.

The Uptight Father with His Children, Seven and Four

The uptight father with his children, seven and four
And the mother in the back who said one sentence, no more.
Pedantic words spilled forth of color, contrast, and things,
Followed immediately by "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!"

But the toothy grins won't stay on faces seven and four
And the mother will reach a point where she can't take anymore
They will clash, rebel, be labeled as fuck* ups,
She will finally speak out, demand to see the pre-nup.

And the uptight father of children, seven and four,
Will sit at his desk, silenced forevermore.
He will wonder what it is that caused all this mishap.
Perhaps at the museum he should have shut his trap!



On a related side note, one of the kids did end up touching a piece of art. And the mother was carrying around a forbidden water bottle. I let them slide because I felt bad for them. Haha I suck at my job.

*I realize that I banned all forms of profanity from this blog, but "fuck up" is just a much stronger statement than "screw up." So, in the name of novice poetry, please excuse my foul mouth.

Death Cab for Cutie

I may be living off cardboard and condiments for the next month,
but it was totally worth it.

I swear, the happiest moments I've had in life thus far are when my favorite bands come out for encore performances. When the Shins, my first big venue concert, came back on stage, it felt like my heart erupted from all the elation it couldn't contain.

Their last song was "Transatlanticism." When the lines "I need you so much closer" came up, I started tearing up. I was close to sobbing when I was singing that line along with 5000 other people. It's weird because that was never a Death Cab song that really spoke to me before. I was just hit with a huge bout of nostalgia, thinking about all the people I need so much closer.

PMS probably did not help.

He's Just Not That Into You

A friend of mine had a book titled He's Just Not That Into You.
Yes, they later based a movie off of it. No I didn't watch it.

It's basically the "No-excuses truth to understanding guys." And the basics of that is, if he doesn't ask you out, call you, have sex with you, want to marry you, or if he disappears on you, he's just not that into you. Move on because you are a sexy fox who deserves better.

One of the interesting concepts of the book is that guys like the chase. They like pursuing girls with the ultimate goal of winning them over. The girls' job then is to look pretty and prolong the chase a bit by use of mixed signals and flirting.

The feminist in me thought, "This is crap. If I like a guy enough, it shouldn't be socially unacceptable to ask him out. Screw gender roles!!!"

But then I thought about it, and realized that this makes life so much easier for me.

I mean think about it. All we have to do is wait for guys to fall into our trap, string them along a bit, and if we like them, awesome. Tie the knot and live happily ever after. If we don't, cut the strings. No heavy lifting necessary!

Not that women can't do heavy lifting. But why should we when we could just get a guy to do it.

We don't have to do overt pursuing. We can just use clever deception and lure them in. There's a less likely chance you will experience rejection and upset pride this way.

And I like how the book is so straight-forward. He's just not that into you. Move on. Stop wasting your time, energy, and emotions. There are better guys out there who are better for you. It's quite empowering.

On a related side note, I don't really wonder if a guy is into me a lot. Not that I have men professing their undying affection for me left and right, but what really racks my brain is if I am into him. I have a tendency to fall for guys who are severely unavailable, either because he's taken, doesn't know I exist, is a celebrity, or he's gay. So I spend most of my time trying to figure out if I actually like him or if there are other confounding factors contributing to my "feelings."

Admittedly, I am an oblivious, bumbling idiot when it comes to love and relationships.


Summer reading list

Finish Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
Reread The Giver by Lois Lowry
Read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson (I can't find a copy of it anywhere!)
Read something by Chuck Palahniuk. Probably Fight Club or Choke.
Read something by David Sedaris. Probably Naked.
Maybe read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

Back

I'm back in Berkeley.

It's weird. Home life and college life are like oil and water. Two very different densities and consistencies that don't mix. I could shake it up a bit, but after a while they are again in two layers.

When I got to the apartment, one of the first things I did was took my guitar out of the case and kissed it's off-tuned neck.

My first night back in Berkeley is so stereotypical in so many ways, I love it.

Happy Fourth.