tumblr

I caved and got a tumblr.

So long, Blogger. You've been good to me for the year we've been together. But I must now move on.

http://raining-words.tumblr.com/

Procrastination

I like Emile Durkheim. I think we'd be friends if he was still around.

I feel like sociology is such a relevant topic. Arguably it's the most relevant topic in the world. Everyone is literally living sociology, they just don't think about it.
Yet it is not a subject taught in high school.
I think it's because we like to believe we are special. We are all independent of each other. We are all individuals. We forge our own paths, make our own decisions, and have our own ideas.
Sociology states that we are products of society. Or, if you are Durkheimian in your views, EVERYTHING is a product of society.

It's quite the brain fuck if you really get into it.

I went to a concert yesterday. The drummers were banging, guitarists wailing, singers singing so hard, you can see the protruding veins in their necks. People were clapping, screaming, singing along, dancing to the music reverberating through their very being.
And in the middle of rocking out, I thought about how we are moved by the simple aggregation of music enthusiasts to act in manners removed from our everyday selves. Our emotions evoked by the live music are echoed and magnified by the thousands of people in the stadium, making us scream louder and dancing harder, completely losing our individual selves and becoming part of a grander experience.

Collective effervescence at a rock concert.

Take a sociology class or two and you can't see anything at face value ever again.

EDIT:
The next time someone starts touting about the superiority of his religion, I am going to chuck my copy of The Elementary Forms of Religious Life at him. Hopefully, that person would pick it up, read it, and cease to be a religious bigot. If not, having a book flung at him would probably leave a nasty bruise. Either way, I win.

Growing Up

I've been catching up with people lately. This semester has been pretty busy so I feel like I haven't been keeping in touch with people as regularly as I usually do.

It's weird, how our conversation topics has evolved. Or maybe it was just with the people I was talking to, I don't know.

In middle school and high school, we gossiped about other people, giggled over boys, and complained about school.
First years of college, our sentences started out with, "oh my gawwwd last weekend i got soooooo wasted," gossiped about other people, giggled over boys, and complained about school.
But now, amidst the "oh my gawwwd last weekend i got soooooo wasted," gossiping about other people, giggling over boys, and complaining about school, we'd get into broader subjects, topics that extend beyond the college bubble, beyond our own lives. We talk about nations of people, not just cliques of people. We talk about feuding countries, not just a feuding couple we are friends with. We complain about the state of our world, not just the state of our minds after a grueling paper or midterm.

I think it's so cool that we have reached that age in life where we've lived enough, experienced enough, and seen enough to have something to say regarding what we believe in and what we're passionate about. It's pretty awesome that I now can get a whole new perspective out of someone over lunch or dinner. Something more than who has a crush on whom, or who slept with whom, although those are fun and interesting to know in their own right.

Speaking of gossip, I heard that since the development of the Facebook newsfeed, couples have been breaking up left and right.
"Why are you commenting on that bitch's status?!?! Are you getting back together with her?!?! We're OVER!!!"
Hahaha I hate Facebook.

C'est La Vie, Mon Cheri

Ah, Life.

When I am wrought with a conundrum of some sort, I tend to plan things out. Everything I am going to say, everything I am going to do. What I would do if this happens, or if this person says this, or does that. I work out all the details down to stance, posture, and pregnant pauses. I think of all possible scenarios and what I would do for each.

Never once has things gone according to plan. Never. There is always something I forget to do, forget to say, some minute detail I overlooked, or, as is often the case, a pop fly comes soaring over from left field, conks me in the noggin, and jars me while I fumble around for the ball. In the confusion and probably while suffering a mild concussion, I fling the ball towards first base just as the batter crosses home plate.

But I was so readily centered in, well, center field. Knees bent. Mitt ready. Cap cocked jauntily to the side. Acting all cool like I knew what I was doing when in reality I don't know a damn thing about baseball. I even got the tobacco chewing down. Granted, it was black licorice but it sure as hell looked like the real thing.

Not following sports doesn't stop me from making sport metaphors regarding Life.

But the Universe has been peculiarly kind to me this week. There were quite a few chance mistakes that just so happened to work out in my favor. My music library has been revived and I swear to God, it speaks to me. I aced my pop quiz, bonus questions included, without doing any of the reading. I discovered a new secret location to get coffee on campus. I found out I don't have to cover the language requirement to go to China this summer. I think I can actually listen to Christmas music without wanting to stab something now. Oh, and I discovered my favorite chord on the guitar. It goes likes this:

Capo 1st Fret
----0----
----3----
----1----
----0----
----2----
----0----

I play it between a C and an A minor chord followed with another A minor chord, then repeat.
And the chorus is F, A minor, favorite chord, A minor switch G at half measure, then repeat.
Strum pattern D/D/DU/U/U/DUDU.
Too bad I'm not much of a lyric writer.

(Note: I am quite aware I didn't "discover" this chord. It's just some variation of the E chord but I don't know/care to know enough about music theory to discern the exact name of it. But I've never played it in a song before, therefore I designate it MINE.)

That was quite the sidetrack.

Anyway, I think the Universe is compensating me for the shitty month of November. It's saying, "Whoa, Joanne! Shit man, I totally forgot you existed. My bad, really. Let's see how you fared without me...Holy fuck! November sucked major balls for you! Let me give you a hug full of fortunate fortuities and advantageous events."

So thanks, Universe. You are forgiven. Don't fucking desert me ever again.

Still. Having your mom telling you there are plenty o' fishies in the sea is kind of awkward.

So, cheers to December. It could really only get better.
^Ohmigod. That rhymed. Clearly, I am on my way to songwriting.

EDIT: I just found out that the title of this post is also the title of a drama flick from Hong Kong. That was purely unintentional.

Who's University? Our University!

I hate talking about money. Money is an awkward topic. Nothing good ever comes out of a conversation about money.

But the 32% increase in undergraduate tuition fees is just plain ridiculous.

I know my parents aren't going to happy about it, especially since they have two kids going to universities in the UC system. Financial aid only goes so far, especially when you are "middle class."

But that's not really what bugs me. I know we'd have to be a lot more frugal, but we'll probably pull through okay.

What bugs me is how it would affect the student population.
The students I respect the most aren't the people who are getting straight A's, in a bunch of student orgs, doing a bunch of research, and/or interning at a different company every summer.
The students I have the most respect for are those who went to shitty high school, who are working to put themselves through school, who were never expected to go to college but ended up in the same place as well, me, who was expected to go to a university like UC Berkeley since I was in the womb.
And I think these students deserve to go to a place like UC Berkeley or UCLA the most. I mean, I worked my ass off in high school to get here, but I was expected to. I was nurtured into it. I have friends whose families didn't even want them to go to college. They were the ones who took the initiative to pursue higher education. They applied, they got in, and they feel/are responsible for paying for it because their family can't or don't want to. I mean, fuck, my parents are happy to pay for my education. Well, not happy per say, but it's like an intrinsic fact of life to them. Raise healthy kids, infuse them with ideas of being a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or business person, make sure they are doing well in school, put them through college, and drop subtle hints that they should buy them a yacht.

You could argue that the fee increases isn't going to affect the student population because this just means more financial aid for those who need it. But think of it this way: If an admissions officer is trying to decide between a well off high school senior who can afford to pay all of the tuition sans financial aid and a student who is of a lower socioeconomic status who needs the aid, all other qualifications (grades, SAT scores, etc.) being about equal, who's it going to be? Oh and take into consideration that the economy is in a shitty state and we are undergoing budget cuts and financial crises as it is. It's really not rocket science which one will get the pretty big envelope.

Fuck. We are suppose to be a public university. This means that we are suppose to be financially accessible to those who worked to be here, who wants to be here, who deserves to be here.

Ugh. Just thinking about it makes my blood boil.

I hate talking about money.

EDIT:
There was a sit-in in the Wheeler building.
Some students ran around pulling fire alarms so the students who attended class had to file out and stand in the rain.

I am not sure where the line was exactly, but pulling the fire alarms definitely crossed it. In fact, I'm pretty sure pulling a fire alarm when there isn't an actual fire is illegal. Yeah. Il-le-gal.

I know you're angry. So am I. But the 32% increase in tuition fees already passed. Keeping students from going to class isn't going to change that. Breaking laws isn't going to change that. If it was for the media coverage, then congratulations you got it. And you look like fuckin' juvenile delinquents on TVs across America.

Jesus.

November

Wow. November sucks.
And I don't even mean just for me. I'm pretty sure it sucks for everyone. This November is just plain sucky.
I don't want to go outside in fear of happening upon more misfortunes. I just want to hide under my covers until November ends.
Well, that and it got really cold.

One of the kids at a clinic I volunteer at was writing in her journal. She's seven and a half. She would ask me to spell out every other word she wanted to write. She wrote, "A person called me a," then paused and asked me if I knew what the "b word" was. I half-smiled, faked innocence, and asked her what the b-word was. She proceeded to spell it out in a whisper. Each letter in the right place. B-I-T-C-H.

She wrote it down, then crossed it out because she knew it was a bad word. She turned it into a star. I suggested that now it says, "A person called me a star." The rest of what she wrote went off of that.

At age seven, I was calling my enemies "sunny bozos." And that is hardly even an insult.

Music Therapy

I love it when I have something on my mind, then this song comes on my ipod that addresses the situation perfectly. It's like the ipod is saying, "I'm feelin' you gurlfriiiend."

Thanks ipod. For all the grief you've caused me due to technical difficulties, at least you know how to make me feel better.

Homesickness

Goddammit.
I wanna go home.

Activism

The world is pretty messed up.
I'm not really blaming anyone. That's just the way it is.

I feel like there is a myriad of problems one can get active about. Everything from the people we interact with, to the air we breath, to the food we eat.

But not a lot of people are "active." Activism isn't a field a lot of people get into.

I don't think it's the fault of humanity. I believe that there is an inherent good in people, for the most part.

But here's why I think most of us aren't activists:
1. Most of the time, we don't even know there's a problem. The media doesn't cover it. Interests groups hide it. Everything is swept under the carpet we are standing on and it would take a lot of effort to uncover it all.
2. Even if we do uncover it, that's a crapload of dirt we have to clean out. Where do we start? Where do we go to get the tools, the finance? Who do we go to for help or advice?
3. We have lives to lead. We have money to earn, families to look after, studies to complete. These things take up a lot of time and brainspace already. We can't afford to do anything productive about AIDS in Africa, factory farming, or health care. Sure, we'll donate a few bucks here and there, read books about it, have heated debates with our friends, attend lectures or teach-ins, but chances are we can't dedicate our mind, body, and spirit to it.

I feel like I talk about a lot of issues, but I can't say I am doing anything about them.
Thinking about the world and all it's problems makes me feel so feeble and insignificant.

Like this issue that has been on my mind lately.

Obesity. People associate obesity with rich, white Americans who can afford to overindulge themselves with rich, fatty foods. Truth is, rich people are among the healthiest in the population. They are the ones that are taking yoga classes, have personal trainers or their own dietitians. And if they do get fat, liposuction is the easy solution.

The people most prone to obesity are minorities living in inner cities, where there are more McDonald's and convenience stores than grocery markets, where it is cheaper to buy a fast food meal than a home cooked dinner. They are not eating unhealthy food out of choice, but out of necessity.

Obesity is such a huge public health issue. It is a pandemic wreaking havoc across all 50 states. But this issue goes so much deeper than individuals having high BMIs. It's about racial inequities and social stratification. It's about city planning. It's about the economy and money.

And here I am, a college student who grew up in a majority white suburban city. I lived close to at least 4 different grocery stores. I have a mom conscious of healthy foods and cooked healthy meals. I was happy in my suburban bubble.
But now I see the bulges in the carpet, the small tears revealing a mere fraction of the shit that goes on in the world. Things I overlooked all my life because I am one of the lucky ones. Things I can't even grapple with let alone relate to.


So now what?

SEX

SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX

Even though it is a vital part of life (without it we would basically die out as a species), sex is still a hush hush topic around the world. People don't want to address it, talk about it, or have anything to do with it. And this denial, this viewing of sex as a taboo subject and a forbidden act, is killing people, literally killing tens of millions of people worldwide. Governmental officials and public health experts have the information, can access the stats, but they still aren't doing much of anything when it comes to problems or issues associated with sex.

Classic example: The AIDS epidemic. Because it was mostly effecting the gay community in San Francisco, the Reagan Administration chose to overlook it. As it result, the research for AIDS/HIV when it matter most lacked the funds and the resources it needed to figure out what's going on.
And even today, we are educating children about AIDS/HIV and other forms of STDs by telling them to abstain from sex.

Dear World, horny teenagers are going to have sex regardless of what you tell them. Show them proper protection so they don't get infected in the process.

Another example: female sex workers. I understand that governments don't want to admit that prostitution goes on, but it DOES. Governments don't have to condone it, but denying that it goes on doesn't make it go away. Address it! Educate people! Require sex workers to use condoms to stop venereal diseases from spreading!

And it doesn't have to be about condoms or other forms of contraception. Male circumcision lowers the chance of STDs. It is a simple, effective procedure that would have an enormous impact on lowering rates of HIV/AIDS. If circumcision is worked into the social context in Africa, for example, there will be lower rates of the debilitating disease. We are so focused on finding a vaccine or a cure for HIV/AIDS, but something like HIV/AIDS can't only be addressed in a scientific aspect. It is also a social problem and could be solved or at least made less attenuated with social solutions.

We need to change our perception of sex. We need to be more open-minded about it. We need to be able to discuss it, address it, and accept it.

I know I don't have much of a voice in all this. I can easily be dismissed as a liberal 20-year old. It probably doesn't help that I go to Cal, an institution with a reputation for hippies and free love.

But this isn't a matter of conservative vs liberal.
This is fact vs. fiction, education vs. ignorance, what is good for the population vs. a population being overlooked and ignored.

And it's infuriating when I read or hear about "adults" and "experts," people who are supposedly more experienced and educated than I, refusing to see things that are so clear and so obvious.

It seriously makes my blood boil.

Procrastination

I am procrastinating.

I love my classes this semester (except soc. theory.) They are relevant, eye-opening, and mind blowing.

But I want to learn for the sake of learning. I don't want to do work. I don't want to worry about grades. I just want to soak it all in like a happy sponge.
Unfortunately, this attitude is not widely accepted by the school system. As a result I am sucking as a student.

I have learned to appreciate Marx though. I mean, he's a pretentious asshole, but he saw the world the way we refuse to see it. He's obsessively and unnecessary wordy, but if you broke down his arguments, they make sense...to an extent.

Weber, on the other hand, is a douchebag.

EDIT: Okay, Weber is not a douchebag. But he could be less wordy.

Silver Clouds, Dark Lining.

Alright. Let's see how brief I can keep this because I have better things to do than write about stuff I find fascinating that others may find boring...assuming people actually read this.

Human advancement is outpacing human evolution. I find it interesting that that is basically screwing us over.
Not that bettering human life is a bad thing. I appreciate not having to hunt or gather for food. I appreciate the roof over my head, clothes on my back, etc. Not having to worry about basic needs allows me to fill my head with other stuff...like the fact that human advancement is screwing us over.

Let's take diet for example.
We are evolved to binge eat. Back in the day, when we didn't have the means to order a Big Mac from the drive-thru window, we had to scour for food. When we kill an animal or find a berry bush, we eat as much as we can because there's no assurance that there will be food tomorrow. We have a taste for fat and sugars because they give us energy, provide us lasting nutrition, and because they were hard to come by.
Hunting and gathering led to fences, which encloses animals in one place allowing you to kill and cook at will. Soon, land became a big deal because you need it to fence in animals. Agriculture was discovered, so you don't have to go out and gather nuts and berries anymore. Large scale farming was developed. Factories to produce mass quantities of food came into being. Groceries stores, restaurants, and fast food chains began popping up practically everywhere there is people. In a couple thousand years, we went from having to search for nourishment, to eating as an enjoyable passtime.

To quench our affinity to fats and sugars, our foods are loaded with it. To satisfy our food-cravings, our urges to binge, we have supersized everything.

The result? Obesity.
Diabetes. Heart disease. High cholesterol. We have overshot our bodies' dietary limits. By making food more available, we are becoming sicker.

And that's not the only side effect. People are hitting puberty sooner. While at one point in time, boys' voices don't start cracking until they are 16 years old, they are now experiencing puberty at 14 at the latest.
So what?
Well, I have to do more research on this, but in the case of women, going through puberty at a younger age puts them more at risk of breast cancer. On purely evolutionary point of view, societal expectations and regulations aside, hitting puberty means one is ready to have sex. Something about pregnancy and the hormones involved (estrogen, progesterone, oxytocin, what have you) protects women against breast cancer. In the modern society, pregnancy is being put off later and later. While girls are ready to have a child at age 14, women don't have kids until 35. Now, a shocking 1 in 8 are at risk of breast cancer.

Scientists are studying how the pill may prevent breast cancer, actually. The hormones in the pill simulate the hormones during pregnancy.

I'm not saying that we should go back to living on mere subsistence. I'm sure as hell not saying that kids should have sex right when they hit puberty. I'm not offering any solutions to these public health issues either.

I just find human advancement so...stunning. It's crazy what we can do, how far we've come, what we've become as a race. But at the same time, our obsession with making things bigger, faster, and more convenient could have pretty averse side effects that ripples across the world and through generations. From a pessimistic viewpoint, but really because it rhymes and sounds like a line from a dystopia film, our quick innovations may very well lead to our slow destruction.

On a somewhat related note, watched 9 the other day. It was interesting. And depressing. I recommend it.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

I had lunch with an old friend from high school the other day. We started talking about people who have changed or stayed more or less the same since high school.

I think college breeds change.
Actually, maybe it's not even change. Maybe it's just...self-discovery and self-assertion. Perhaps in college, people just feel more free to be themselves. In high school, they are funneled into cliques defined by set behaviors and actions. In college, they are left to their own devices, doing their own thing. It's not a big deal if none of their friends are in their classes. People are not tagged as loners if they eat lunch by themselves. Once people discover that they can get by determining their own daily agenda, they start working on defining their own person, their own statutes, and eventually, their own lives.

Perhaps those of us who haven't changed much since high school were already at that level of security.

I was extremely socially aware in high school. I saw high school cliques as separate countries that I did not have visas to. I could not even imagine hanging out with the people who were "popular," or "goth," or "hipster," or what have you.
Interestingly enough, it wasn't until after high school, that I became randomly reaquainted with a few people outside of my original high school clique. They weren't attached to their high school labels anymore. They are individuals. Individuals I can now relate to.

Yeah, I hate high school.

I can honestly say that right now, at this point in my life, I am the most self-assured as I have ever been. I am free. Independent. Ambiguous. Clique-less.

And it feels pretty darn good.

Gobama!

A couple days ago, President Obama gave a speech about Health Care reform.

Yeah I do realize I am writing about it kind of late. But I needed to gather my thoughts about it.

Quick summary for those of you who didn't watch it. He spent the first part of the speech going over what was wrong with our health care system. High costs, spotty coverage, less security and stability and no better health, etc.

Then he suggested forming a government-run insurance company available to those who are under the poverty level.

This is what he said about it:

"Now, I have no interest in putting insurance companies out of business. They provide a legitimate service, and employ a lot of our friends and neighbors. I just want to hold them accountable. (Applause.) And the insurance reforms that I've already mentioned would do just that. But an additional step we can take to keep insurance companies honest is by making a not-for-profit public option available in the insurance exchange. (Applause.) Now, let me be clear. Let me be clear. It would only be an option for those who don't have insurance. No one would be forced to choose it, and it would not impact those of you who already have insurance. In fact, based on Congressional Budget Office estimates, we believe that less than 5 percent of Americans would sign up."

I think it's interesting how President Obama is trying to play off the whole government run insurance thing as an extension on capitalism. Because, you know, we love our free markets. This new government program is merely additional competition in the insurance marketplace. It will keep the private insurance companies in check.
And it's not even very big competition. Only 5% of Americans are going to sign up.

I know the Republicans aren't buying it. "Hold[ing] them accountable" means that private insurance companies are going to have to lower their prices to compete with the governmental program.

I personally think it's a great idea. It's so obvious I'm surprised I didn't think of it myself. THe concept anyway. I mean, if we want to make health coverage available to all, we must appeal to the capitalist fervor in our country. What better way to do this but to claim that it's part of the free market system, and not at all socialist. Whether the vast majority of the American public will buy this, I don't know.

The only thing I'm really concerned about (and it's a big thing) is how it's going to be supported financially. Okay, the concept might work, but I don't really see how it's going to be executed financially if we don't have the funds.

This is what he said about that issue:

"Second, we've estimated that most of this plan can be paid for by finding savings within the existing health care system, a system that is currently full of waste and abuse. Right now, too much of the hard-earned savings and tax dollars we spend on health care don't make us any healthier. That's not my judgment -- it's the judgment of medical professionals across this country. And this is also true when it comes to Medicare and Medicaid...Reducing the waste and inefficiency in Medicare and Medicaid will pay for most of this plan. (Applause.) Now, much of the rest would be paid for with revenues from the very same drug and insurance companies that stand to benefit from tens of millions of new customers. And this reform will charge insurance companies a fee for their most expensive policies, which will encourage them to provide greater value for the money -- an idea which has the support of Democratic and Republican experts. And according to these same experts, this modest change could help hold down the cost of health care for all of us in the long run. "

Okay so, save money with existing systems that are wrought with waste and inefficiencies. Use money for new program.

Yeah...goooodd luck with that.

No one like change. The people who use Medicaid might not have much power to say much about it, but people using Medicare? Old, mostly white, ornery seniors? I'm pretty sure they are going to protest any changes to the "waste and abuse" their health is depending on. Not to mention, there are going to be a lot more of them now that the baby boomers are reaching that critical 65+ age that would make Medicare applicable.

So, I support the plan. I support the concept. I support where it's going. But, the bill is not going to pass without some major road blocks. And if it does pass, I am skepitcal about how it's going to be supported financially.
But, I can't think of a better way of doing addressing the health care problem.

So good luck, Obama administration. Good. Luck.

Health Care

I believe Health is a right not a commodity and everyone should have access to health.

Now that that is out of the way, I love my Health Policy and Management class, which is interesting because it was the class I was the least excited about.

But what better time to take the class than now. It is extremely relevant to what's going on in the news. Health care is being debated and discussed in townhall meetings across the nation until people are blue in the face. It's the Republicans against the Democrats, House against the Senate, People against the State! In all the commotion, it's nice to be taking a class that will inform me about what the eff is going on.

Here's my brief sociological analysis on why we are the richest and most powerful nation in the country, yet compared to other industrialized nations, we have higher infant mortality rates, lower life expectancies, and overall, unhealthier people. Okay, I didn't come up with this, but it makes a lot of sense.

Historically, we've been anti-government and pro-capitalism. It's literally in our roots. After slaughtering all the Indians, immigrants from England came here to escape from their imposing governments. The founding fathers of our country put a crapload of "checks-and-balanced" in the Constitution so the government won't go out of control. While other countries were calling their rulers Kings and Queens, we addressed our "ruler" as "Mr. President." We championed free trade. We pushed for free markets. We believed that letting everyone share their wares will equalize costs, destroy monopolies, and weed out the weak. Down with Communism! Screw Socialism!
The line between Church and State blurs sometimes, but between the State and the Economy, the line as thick as Montana.

I'm not going to get into economics because that's really not the point of this entry and, to tell you the truth, I don't know much about it. But I know this much. Health is NOT economics.

Health services should not be sold or traded like dental floss or strippers. These are people's lives we are dealing with, their livelihood. When people are looking to just make a profit off of your sickness or well-being, people who need the help don't get it.
Because here's how it works. Private insurance companies do not want to cover people who are terminally sick. It's costly. There are pills to buy, tests to run, physicians to pay...sick people are expensive. And insurance companies want to profit, just like every other business in the economy.
So they refuse insurance to the sick and insure people who are healthy. In fact, sometimes people are at risk of losing their insurance if they become terminally sick.

Our professor was telling us how some insurance companies would hold dance parties on the third floor walkup at a senior home. The senior citizens who are able to make that 3 floor trek up the stairs are greeted with food, music, dance, and access to care. The ones unable to get out of bed, the sickest people in the ward, don't get coverage. This is called "cherry-picking." The insurances "cherry-picks" the healthiest, and therefore, the least expensive people to cover.

I laughed when I heard this. A tragic wow-that-is-the-most-fucked-up-thing-I've-heard-in-a-while laugh.

I don't expect us to switch to universal health care anytime soon. I don't expect that a bill is going to be drafted that is going to make everything hunky-dory for everyone. In fact, I'm pretty sure that health care is going to be a vein-popping, voice-rising, eye bulging, and fist-shaking topic when I qualify for Medicare, some 45 years from now.

But something needs to change. People need to see that Health care is not a commodity, that it doesn't make sense as a commodity, and people on a whole are not benefiting this way. Deem it socialist if you want, condemn me for my communist views if you wish, but everyone should have access to health care. And the government is the only entity that can insure that. Period.

umm..yeaahhh....

By Golly.

It's only the second week of school and I'm already overwhelmed.
I need a bigger planner.

On Monday, I was able to sit through the entire 1.5 hours of lecture on the theory of Sociology by chugging a cup of coffee beforehand. The first thing I did when I got home was ordered a coffeemaker online. It may be placebo effect, but I'll take it.

I have an interview for a research study next week. From experience, I have found that I may look good on paper, but in person, not so much. I get nervous and jittery, I ramble, I am bad with eye contact, I end answers with "so..yeah..." the list goes on.
I spent a good 2 hours looking up youtube videos on interview tips. It was quite painful because it brought to light all the things I did wrong in past interviews.
Like the question, "Tell me about yourself." What they want to know is how you fit in a work environment, past experiences that will benefit the company or group, and a brief summary of your qualifications and strengths. The recommended response time is 2-3 minutes.
In my last interview, I told the interviewer where I was from, my school year, my major, briefly explained why I chose that major, then ended with, "uuuhhhhhhhhhhh...so yeah...."

I friggin' hate interviews.

Fortune Telling

I got my palm read today.

I don't really believe in fortune telling. I believe good fortune tellers are really good at reading people. Your palms, crystal balls, and tarot cards are all just distractions when in fact, your tone of voice, your body language, your way of dress, and your facial expressions give everything away.

But having my fortune told was something I always wanted to do.
Plus I didn't feel like being myself today. This is a rare feeling as I'm usually content with who I am. This morning, I felt cliched, lame, and unoriginal. So I put on a dress I never wear and wore non-prescription frames. I looked like I was from the 50's.
Point is, what better time to "trick" a fortune teller than when you are not feeling like yourself?

I was walking down Telegraph and I was stopped by a fortune teller soliciting her services. I thought, "Hell, why not." So I sat down on the wooden chair, handed her my palms, and tried to remain as stoic as possible.

The fortune teller looked like a gypsy. She had charred, discolored skin, creating a camouflage pattern on her face. Her teeth were yellowed and spaced apart. There were sparse dark hairs on her upper lip. Her coral lip gloss looked erratically applied. She had bulbous fingertips. The nail on her thumb had a crack that ran from tip to cuticle. She was missing entire fingernails. It felt like you would fall into her wide brown eyes if you lean in far enough. She spoke with a heavy accent and ended each sentence with "Do you understand, dah-ling?"

She told me I had a good positive energy and I try to see everything in a positive light. She said there is success in the family and she could see that I would carry on this success. Then she said I have not been sleeping well, that something has been causing me sadness and confusion. As she said "sadness...and confusion," she touch my right shoulder, my left, and then my stomach with the back of her hand. She said that I am climbing and climbing, trying to reach success, but I've been slipping, that I have lost my direction. She pantomimed this as she said it.

Basically, she told me things she could have told any schmuck who decides to pay $5 and sit on that wooden chair.

Towards the end of the reading, of which she merely glanced at my palms once, she asked if I'd like a crystal ball reading because there were a lot of things she sees in me that would be clearer through a crystal ball. I smiled, said thanks but no thanks, then tried to leave without paying since she didn't say anything about payment. She stopped me.

So I am $5 poorer and no less confused about my past, present, or future.

But, I'm okay with that. What is life without mystery and frivolous spending?

Summer

I can tie my hair back again.
My tan lines are disappearing.
Even the remainents of the mosquito bite I thought would forever mar my face is receding.

Aside from the barely noticeable tinge of red in my hair and a few extra pieces in my closet, it's like summer never happened. It's been condensed into fading memories and forgotten photographs.

Weird.

Uck-Fay

I've been staring at this blank page for a good two minutes, trying to think of a way to start this entry without a curse word.

I just want to say the F word a couple times over, in varying speeds, volumes and accents.
Type it out in caps, in different font sizes, in different colors. Underline it. Bold it. Italicize it.

I want to create a sentence using just that word in its various forms, only throwing in a couple articles here and there so it makes sense.

It's a perfect word for expressing frustration. I can't think of a better word anyways.
What better word to scream to the sky, towards the sea, at the world?
At someone you hate? At someone you love? At someone who you don't really know but stumbled into your field of profane verbal expectorations?
At inaminate objects? Before flinging said inaminate object at the wall? After flinging said inanimate object at the wall and realizing it was your ipod?
(^Hypothetical situation)

I mean, just thinking about the word and all its uses makes me feel better.

I don't know.
I don't know what I want.
I just know what I don't want.
And life is so much harder as a process of elimination.

Parents

God I hope my relationship with my future kids isn't going to be like my relationship with my parents.
This is something I am sincerely worried about.

Not that my parents are bad parents. I am old enough to realize and acknowledge that they've given me everything. And I'm grateful. I turned out okay.

But their definition of an ideal parent-child relationship seems to be very different than mine.
Or maybe it's close to the being same but we just don't know how to get there. It's like we're trying to build the same building but I'm using brick and they're using concrete. Eventually, we realized we were using different materials, we threw up our arms in frustration, squabbled over which one is better, and then gave up all together.

I assure myself that our relationship is obstructed by barriers of the cultural sort. We were born in different countries, into different lifestyles, different languages, ways of thinking.

Perhaps it won't be as bad when I have kids. I don't plan on moving out of the country. Maybe it'd be better.
I mean, I realize there are other factors that go into making a family work...but it has to be better.

I'm going to be pretty depressed if it isn't.

EDIT: In response to a postsecret, someone wrote "This made me wonder if sometimes a happy childhood needs a parent's unhappy childhood to make it so."
Hmm.

I want to...

- crochet a hat
- take a figure drawing class
- take a photography class
- get an 80's camera that uses film
- make tie-dyed shirts
- learn how to compose music on the piano
- get better at the ukulele
- learn the harmonica
- get one of those weird contraptions that allows you to play the harmonica hands free.
- learn drum basics. Not good enough to be in a band, but enough to know how to keep a beat.
- find someone who knows how to play the cello and make him/her my best friend.
- brush up on world history
- find a job or internship and beef up my resume
- study abroad in Asia next summer
- redye my hair
- get that cartiledge piercing
- get that tattoo
- look badass
- feel badass
- win the lottery to pay for all of the above. (Close enough.)

EDIT:
- swing dance

Tribute to Gays

I friggin love gay people.

I love them so much that I am surprised I haven't expressed this love in an earlier entry.

I love power lesbians.
I wish I was a power lesbian but, beside that brief stint of confusion in 8th grade, I'm pretty sure I'm straight.
And it almost feels like you can't be a real hardcore power female unless you are lesbian, in politics/business, or underwent some sort of cruelty in the hands of men.
I'm not into politics, too much of a pushover for business, and I've only had to endure a couple catcalls and a perverse second cousin who has been shunned from the family for his misdeeds.

But mostly, I love gay guys.
I think I fantasize about finding my perfect gay best friend just as much as, if not more so than finding my perfect husband. (You can divorce your "perfect husband, but gay best friends are for forever!)
I already know what he'd look like. He'd look like Mr. Love from the art museum. I am not even giving him a pseudonym to disguise his identity. 'Love' is really his last name.
He is a short man with distinguished thick-rimmed spectacles, a dignified beard of white, and an arresting bald head. He ties his pastel sweaters around his shoulders and smokes with one hand holding the cig and the other on his waist, leaning cool-y against the nearest edifice. I daydream about skipping down Fifth Ave in New York with him, our shopping bags swinging happily to the beat of our clicky shoes.

While I was staying in the hostel in New York, I met this Haitaian dude. We were talking one night, when we got onto the topic of homosexuality. He claimed he had no problem with gay people, and then tried to explain why seeing two guys making out makes him uncomfortable. He slurred (he was on his 3rd can of cheap beer), "I am a mahn. Mahsculine. It's..ah..weird to see two mahn kiss. Too much..mahsculine, you know? Too...how do you say...powahful. Girls ahre sahft. When two girls kiss, it's not as...eh..overpahwering, yes?"
He tried to get me to say that I like seeing two girls make out more than guys.
Honestly, Brokeback Mountain kind of turned me on. Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhal immediately went on my to do list after seeing that film.

And then he proposed this situation to me, in which I am talking to this good looking chick at a bar, had a couple drinks, having a good time, and all of a sudden she kisses me. Would I kiss back?
I told him, I'd be flattered but I probably wouldn't because it'd be leading her on and because...I'm straight. I am more likely to make out with a girl friend, knowing it's just a drunken act of delirium, than a female stranger, who may actually be attracted to me.
And then I tried to awkwardly explain to him that most of the times when chicks make out, it's not because they are attracted to each other, but for the attention. There's a difference between drunken girls soaking up the spotlight and lesbians who have probably been hiding their sexual preferences for good portions of their lives. I gave up eventually, figuring he's not going to remember any of this anyway, made up some lame excuse about having to make a "emergency phone call" that he won't remember either, and went to bed.

But it got me thinking. Why is it more socially acceptable for two girls to kiss than two guys? Girls seem to be puckering their lips for each other all the time. You don't ever see two guys kissing on screen unless it is a Rated R film about a gay couple. And even then, it's usually just a peck on the lips and some hand holding.
Does it all come down to it being a "men's world?" Men like girl on girl action. Girls use it to get the attention of men. Therefore, female make out sessions are more prevalent.
If it was a "women's world," would gay porn proliferate, making guys making out more socially acceptable? In turn, would gay guys be more reserved and lesbians more flamboyant? Would flaming queens be replaced by fiery kings?

I don't know. It's over thinking stuff like this that makes me realize that gender roles are too far entrenched to be an effective feminist about it.
Not that I would mind the proliferation of gay porn though. Have you seen the guys in straight porn? They are almost always old, fat, and in desperate need of Rogaine. God forbid the male audience of pornographic cinema to be threatened by the sight of a good looking dude while jerking off.

Patrons

I usually write haikus when I am bored at the museum, but 17 syllables or less would not do this man justice.

The Uptight Father with His Children, Seven and Four

The uptight father with his children, seven and four
And the mother in the back who said one sentence, no more.
Pedantic words spilled forth of color, contrast, and things,
Followed immediately by "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!"

But the toothy grins won't stay on faces seven and four
And the mother will reach a point where she can't take anymore
They will clash, rebel, be labeled as fuck* ups,
She will finally speak out, demand to see the pre-nup.

And the uptight father of children, seven and four,
Will sit at his desk, silenced forevermore.
He will wonder what it is that caused all this mishap.
Perhaps at the museum he should have shut his trap!



On a related side note, one of the kids did end up touching a piece of art. And the mother was carrying around a forbidden water bottle. I let them slide because I felt bad for them. Haha I suck at my job.

*I realize that I banned all forms of profanity from this blog, but "fuck up" is just a much stronger statement than "screw up." So, in the name of novice poetry, please excuse my foul mouth.

Death Cab for Cutie

I may be living off cardboard and condiments for the next month,
but it was totally worth it.

I swear, the happiest moments I've had in life thus far are when my favorite bands come out for encore performances. When the Shins, my first big venue concert, came back on stage, it felt like my heart erupted from all the elation it couldn't contain.

Their last song was "Transatlanticism." When the lines "I need you so much closer" came up, I started tearing up. I was close to sobbing when I was singing that line along with 5000 other people. It's weird because that was never a Death Cab song that really spoke to me before. I was just hit with a huge bout of nostalgia, thinking about all the people I need so much closer.

PMS probably did not help.

He's Just Not That Into You

A friend of mine had a book titled He's Just Not That Into You.
Yes, they later based a movie off of it. No I didn't watch it.

It's basically the "No-excuses truth to understanding guys." And the basics of that is, if he doesn't ask you out, call you, have sex with you, want to marry you, or if he disappears on you, he's just not that into you. Move on because you are a sexy fox who deserves better.

One of the interesting concepts of the book is that guys like the chase. They like pursuing girls with the ultimate goal of winning them over. The girls' job then is to look pretty and prolong the chase a bit by use of mixed signals and flirting.

The feminist in me thought, "This is crap. If I like a guy enough, it shouldn't be socially unacceptable to ask him out. Screw gender roles!!!"

But then I thought about it, and realized that this makes life so much easier for me.

I mean think about it. All we have to do is wait for guys to fall into our trap, string them along a bit, and if we like them, awesome. Tie the knot and live happily ever after. If we don't, cut the strings. No heavy lifting necessary!

Not that women can't do heavy lifting. But why should we when we could just get a guy to do it.

We don't have to do overt pursuing. We can just use clever deception and lure them in. There's a less likely chance you will experience rejection and upset pride this way.

And I like how the book is so straight-forward. He's just not that into you. Move on. Stop wasting your time, energy, and emotions. There are better guys out there who are better for you. It's quite empowering.

On a related side note, I don't really wonder if a guy is into me a lot. Not that I have men professing their undying affection for me left and right, but what really racks my brain is if I am into him. I have a tendency to fall for guys who are severely unavailable, either because he's taken, doesn't know I exist, is a celebrity, or he's gay. So I spend most of my time trying to figure out if I actually like him or if there are other confounding factors contributing to my "feelings."

Admittedly, I am an oblivious, bumbling idiot when it comes to love and relationships.


Summer reading list

Finish Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
Reread The Giver by Lois Lowry
Read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson (I can't find a copy of it anywhere!)
Read something by Chuck Palahniuk. Probably Fight Club or Choke.
Read something by David Sedaris. Probably Naked.
Maybe read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

Back

I'm back in Berkeley.

It's weird. Home life and college life are like oil and water. Two very different densities and consistencies that don't mix. I could shake it up a bit, but after a while they are again in two layers.

When I got to the apartment, one of the first things I did was took my guitar out of the case and kissed it's off-tuned neck.

My first night back in Berkeley is so stereotypical in so many ways, I love it.

Happy Fourth.

Quirks

I am reading Catch 22.
Which is hilarious by the way. Definitely move it to the top of your summer reading list.

Oh quick shout out to the person I borrowed it from.
I've been carrying it around pretty much everywhere and my purse is a really rough place to be. So the edges are probably a little more frayed...and there might be avocado on it. Sorry! I now put it in an airtight Forever 21 bag to prevent further damages. But if a riot or fire breaks out in my purse and your book is caught in the cross fire, I will buy you a new one and claim nothing happened to it.

There are five bajillion characters in Catch 22. I had to make a character list to keep track of them.
Okay, I have trouble following books with more than 4 characters. It's sad.
I even made a character list for Watchmen.

Anyway, every character in the book has a quirk.
For example, "General P. P. Peckem was a general with whom neatness definitely counted. He was a spry, suave and very precise general who knew the circumference of the equator and always wrote 'enhanced' when he meant 'increased.' He was a prick, and no one knew this better than General Dreedle..."

Son of a Carnie* I want a quirk!
Perhaps I have one but just don't know about it. The thing with quirks is you don't know what you are doing is a quirk unless someone points it out to you.
Unless you develop one knowingly...
"Joanne is a girl who squealed like a dying pig when faced with flying objects. She is a pansy. Everyone knew this and flung random objects at her. It also made tennis a very difficult sport indeed."

In unrelated news, mosquito bit my eyelid. I now look like the unfortunate offspring of a goldfish and whoever is willing to boink a goldfish...or could figure out how to boink a goldfish. I have become the butt sphincter who wears her sunglasses in the underground subway system.


*I have decided to ban all forms of profanity from my blog in light of the fact that I cuss too much. I am hoping this will translate over to real life. Instead of cuss words, I will be using "Son of a ____" and filling in the blank with what I think it would suck to be a son of.
I will probably run out of ideas eventually and come up with other means to express myself.

Live Music EDIT: and Agriculture

I don't understand how some people can go to concerts and just sit/stand there.
When I listen to music live, assuming I am close enough to the front, the vibrations from the sound resonate in my chest. The music seems to fill my body's cavity. I can feel it with every fiber of my being.
How can you just sit there like you are watching a movie? No body swaying, head bobbing, or even foot tapping!

I love watching the drummer when I go see a band. You can't half-ass a drum performance. For me, the drummer usually gets lost in the recording because it's usually the guitarist and the vocalist who make a song memorable. But when you see a drummer live, he is constantly in motion. You can sing or play a guitar moving just your lips or your hands (respectfully), but drumming requires full body movement.

I saw Blonde Redhead in concert.
I am not going to pretend that I knew who they were before today.
They are a little more experimental than what I'm used to. But they really know how to layer different sounds and textures together. It was amazing.



Some of their songs oozed sex.
Which is a high compliment since one is truly happy when doing one of three things: having sex, eating, and getting a back massage.
Preferably all three at once.

By the way, Explosions in the Sky would be perfect sex music. Or even make out music.
Haven't done it yet so someone try it and tell me how it goes...in one word. I don't want the gory details, thanks. Some variation of "Awesome" would do just fine.

EDIT: Seeing Explosions in the Sky in concert in NY!!!

EDIT II: A friend informed me that no one in New York grooves at concerts. They stand as still as scarecrows.

Whoever invented the scarecrow was brilliant but really lacked creativity.
"Hmm...crows are eating my crops. Whatever should I do? If only I could be on the field 24 hours for surveillance...Oh I know! I'll make a replica of me out of straw! I'll even put my clothes on it! But whatever should I call it? Well...its purpose is to scare crows...Oh I know! I call it a scarecrow!"

Eh. I guess a farmer has better things to do than come up for clever names for things.

"Wow...this is really handy for pitching straw. Whatever should I call it? Well it looks like a fork...and it pitches stuff...Oh I know! I'll call it a pitchfork!"

Okay I'm done.

Fregadero!

I can't tell jokes to save my life.
But who can really? It's hard to be funny when facing impending doom.
Hah. Hah.
See above.

I word searched "fuck" on my page. I used it 4 times in like...6 entries.
That is pathetic. I am an intelligent young person who should be able to find more creative ways to be profane.
So I hereby ban the word from this blog. I shall save it for tennis, toe-stubbings, and general bad luck.

Is life easier if you just stop defining what something is and just let it be?
Can Beatles songs answer every philosophical question about life?

What is the meaning of life?
Tomorrow never knows....

Stability

So you know that entry I wrote earlier about not wanting stability?

Yeah, fuck that.

I like being stable. Hell, it took me years to reach this level of stability. I was a pretty messed up kid. It still amazes me that my mom was able to put up with it. We aren't good at expressing feelings in my family, but that is one of the many many reasons I send her flowers on Mother's Day.

So for all you unstable folks out there, teeter-tottering through life, here is my little secret to leading a stable lifestyle.

Accept the fact that life is unstable.
Life is doozy. It is a whirlwind of emotions and feelings and thoughts and actions that conflict and clash, and mix and mingle. Life is not black and white. Life has no right answer. There's no cookie cutter "right path."

I realize that this seems like a cop out. In trying to find the answer, my answer is there is none...or many depending on how you look at it. In trying to find the right path, I have realized there are no paths and that I must forge my own. After years of questioning God and His existence, my conclusion is "Eh...maybe He's up there. If, so, Hey God. How's it going? I hope You like me."
But that's how I see things. And it took me the better half my 20 years of existence to see life as wavering nuances of grey or, if you want something more visually stimulating, a chameleon-like spectrum of color.


Courtesy of flickr.

But trust me. Once you accept the fact that life is fickle, you become a much more level-headed person.

On a somewhat related note, when I typed "fickle" just then, an image of a freckly pickle came to mind. I should probably get more sleep.

Bored

God I'm bored out of my skin.
It's only the second week.

It's weird being back and being treated like I'm 12. I miss being able to go where I wanted, when I wanted. I hate how you need a car to get anywhere here. There's not even a decent cafe within walking distance.
I'm also tired of being woken up every morning by my parents talking loudly about one thing or another. Or my neighbors power washing their car.

Thank goodness I am going to New York next week. I don't think I can handle another two weeks of boredom occasionally alleviated by banging my head on different surfaces. We just got new kitchen tiles so I must attempt that one next.

Driving, Hair, and Ice Cream Metaphors

Some people made fun of me for not driving today.
So I went driving with my mom.
I crashed and broke three of my ribs. Thanks guys.
Sorry, that was a bad joke.

I forgot the joys of being behind the wheel. I mean, I missed the convenience of having a car, but I didn't realize how much I like driving until I was doing it. It was like reconnecting with an old friend and realizing nothing has changed. The soothing clicking sound of the signal lights. The feel of the leather cover on the steering wheel. Easing the brakes into a smooth stop. Before I knew it, I was cruising with one hand on the wheel.
Granted, I still drove at the pace of an old lady and all the cars were cutting in front of me, but that will get better with time.

Today, I learned my hairstylist is psychic.
She was saying that, aside from that really annoying cowlick that forbids me from ever having straight-across the forehead bangs, the hair follicles on my scalp are arranged so that my hair is naturally neat and tidy. Every strand of hair is where it's suppose to be. No random tufts of hair growing in opposite directions, or creating swirl patterns, or doing whatever else hair does to make it unmanageable.
She said that this means I am a "good girl." I am level-headed. I know what I am doing.
I am stable. I will marry some stable guy and we will have a stable marriage. I will lead a stable life with no real regrets and I will die a stable death at the end of my stable years. I will be stably placed in the stable earth where I will rot stably in a stable casket.

Which is great, you know. Who doesn't want stability? Stability is good.
But the word "Goddammit..." slipped into my mind.
I am going to lead a vanilla life. Vanilla ice cream topped with vanilla syrup in a waffle cone laced with vanilla icing. I want some fucking rainbow sprinkles, damn it. Hell, I'll even take some almonds.
I guess I have to make the most of my cowlick. Perhaps I will occasionally write in a library book or something. Maybe I'll even go 5 miles above the speed limit.

I know I know. It's just a forecast by my hairstylist based on my hair. But that has been my life thus far. Stable. Smooth. Neat. And Very Vanilla.

It may be too much to ask for, but I want to taste Rocky Road. Just one ketchup cup sample of it.
(^Look look! Ice cream pun on life!)

Blah

Ugh, I wanna go home.
Or I at least want to know when I'm going home.
I wanna see people again. I wanna eat actual meals cooked in pots and pans. I wanna go to the beach and lay out.

I feel like I'm 78 years old. All I want to do is drink tea, curl up on the couch with a good book, and pet my hypothetical cat.

God, I'm boring.

Color

This goes out to all the guys with whom I argued whether something is violet or blue.

It's violet, bitches.

I have two X chromosomes, therefore there's a better chance that I have red-opsin proteins that can better detect low wavelength frequencies, like the color red.

So suck it.

Short and Sweet

I sent a sample of my cover letter to the internship program coordinator to look over. He responded, "Short sweet (like you!) and to the point. This is just fine."


Wait.....whaa?

Dualism

I find it interesting how a single action can be interpreted in, for the sake of simplification, two extremely different ways that would put the person in either a positive or negative light.

Some examples.
That kid who asks countless questions in class. Truly interested? Or sucking up?
Person with a Moleskine notebook. Creative? Or Pretentious?
Girl flirting with all the guys at a party. Attention whore? Or lacking self confidence?
Guy making rude comments that aren't funny. Obnoxious? Insecure? Or really bad sense of humor and doesn't know it?

It's not something we think about a lot because sometimes our feelings for something or someone are so strong that we don't see how it can be any other way.
What is equally difficult is analyzing yourself. I mean, fuck. I have a Moleskine notebook. They are seriously overpriced and unnecessary. I know that. Yet I have one. And I love it. Did I get it just to give off the impression of class and creativity, or did I get it because of it's sleek design and that it's nice to have something to carry around and write stuff in?

Shit, is this blog pretentious?! Is it just a venue for me to share my thoughts or do I secretly find them so worthy of world's attention that I am publicly posting it somewhere so anyone and everyone could read it?

I could go on. But I really can't put off studying anymore.

Ez End!...ish

Today is the last day of classes.

This semester was a blur of activity that I can't separate individually unless I put it through a centrifuge.
Hey look. I made a chemistry reference without throwing up in my mouth. I've grown so much as a person.

I'm going to try to summarize the main ideas, thoughts, and/or feelings in all of my classes. I feel like I often take classes then forget about what an impact they've made on how I see the world. So this is an attempt to capture the moment, so to speak.

MCB 50 Immunology and Disease - Honestly, I am not going to retain all if not any of the information presented in the class. But I did learned that the body's immune system, hell the human body in general, is pretty freaking amazing and pretty freaking complicated.

MCB 61 Brain, Mind, and Behavior - Brain, Mind, and Behavior can be related to EVERYTHING. Including, but not limited to, the discovery of the DNA double helix, H bombs, and pigeons. Also, cocaine is okay if you take it in moderation. (Thanks for the Berkeley education, Parents!)

Soc C155 Sociology of Illness and Medicine - Congratulations, Joanne. You made the right decision in scratching the whole "pre-med" thing. Public Health is a good choice for you. Stick with it. Don't fuck up.

Soc 150A Sociology of Self and Society - I learned too many mind-blowing things in this class to name and I have a feeling a lot of it will actually stick. So I won't waste space on it here. Oh, pick professors who are good looking. You learn more from them.

PE Beginner Vinyasa Yoga - Definitely try it if you haven't already. I plan on taking more yoga classes...and buying a coral colored yoga mat.

Ok. Now I must go cram shitloads of information in my brain and caulk my skull so it doesn't leak out. If you see me walking around with a helmet and a neck brace, now you know why. Yay finals.

Laundry

Today I found out that what I had thought was liquid laundry detergent is actually liquid fabric softener.
This means I've been washing my clothes with vanilla scented water for the better half of the school year.
Laundry hates me.

Perfect

There's the couple in my yoga class.
And they are beautiful.

She has loose strawberry blond curls and pale skin. He has clean cut dark hair and a darker complexion. They are both tall, lean, have long legs, and butts to die for (I am stationed behind them). Plus they are experienced yogis so their forms are perfect and their transitions are smooth and graceful. They move in perfect sync.

I remember thinking they probably met in some perfect way. One of their perfect dates was probably at a carnival where he made a perfect pitch and knocked over all the pins to win her a perfect gift. They probably go to fancy dinners where she is wearing a perfect dress that fits her perfect body perfectly and he is donning a perfect suit that slightly shows off his perfect pecs. Then afterward, they probably have perfect sex where the planets seem to align perfectly and all is perfect in the world. After graduation, he will propose with the perfect ring, and they will have a perfect white wedding. They will buy a perfect two story house and, in a perfect year or two, she will pop out beautiful, perfect children.

They are perfect. They are happy.
And they are perfectly disgusting.

Under Pressure

I really want to shirk all my responsibilities and go home...

DECLARED

I am finally declared! Public Health and Sociology.

I planned out a whole blog entry dedicated to how important Public Health is and how Sociology is amazing and how I am in love with my college direction, but I figured you probably don't want to read about it.

So I'm going to talk about HIV/AIDs instead...which is technically related to both. But everything relates to Sociology and HIV/AIDs is a pretty public issue...that's why Public Health is important and Sociology is amazing.
Anyways, I went to a Medical Sociology panel yesterday and it was pretty mind-blowing. So thank you Ann Swidler, aka the reason why I'm a sociology major. If you are a student at Berkeley and you find this brief synopsis of the topic interesting, look into taking L&S 150A about HIV/AIDs in Africa in the spring next year. Professor Swidler is a brilliant professor and I highly recommend taking a class with her.

Basic HIV/AIDs stuff that they don't tell you in high school.
- HIV is really hard to transmit through vaginal sex. It's only transmitted one out of a thousand times. This statistic decreases substantially if the male is circumcised. (The virus replicates in the foreskin. Removing it through circumcision thereby removes the viruses' ability to do so.)
- Poverty does not affect rates of HIV. In fact, it is the more affluent parts of Africa that is most stricken with the disease. Urban cities (as opposed to rural ones) are more populated so there are more opportunities for sexual partners. Plus, there is much more privacy in a city. In rural areas, where everyone knows each other, scandalous sexual acts are less likely to occur.
- In Africa, there is a culture of multiple "concurrent" partners. In other words, a man could be married to someone, but has a girlfriend or a secret family as well. Long running marriages/relationships are more effective at spreading HIV/AIDs than a thousand one night stands. It's a statistics thing. If 1/1000 sexual intercourses result in successful HIV/AIDs transmission, it is less likely that a person could get the disease even if s/he has multiple sexual partners. If, however, the person is in a relationship with someone who is HIV positive, and has sex with that person on a regular basis (without a condom), chances of transmission increase substantially.
- There is a mismatch in the HIV/AIDs problem and governmental policy. Some governments (e.g. China) use HIV/AIDs as an excuse to tell teenagers to abstain from sex. As mentioned before, this is not the main cause of HIV transmission. The disease is mainly transmitted by IV drug use, male-male sexual relations, and commercial sex workers. Often times, governments do not want to admit that these occur in their society. It is easy to chalk up the problem to hormonal teenagers. Admitting there are drug users, homosexuals, and prostitutes in the country is much harder. Truth is, teen sex is NOT what speads the disease. Promoting condom use and emphasizing the importance of clean needles would be much more effective as a public health policy against HIV/AIDs. In fact, the gay liberation movement in the US could be seen as a highly effective public health move, as it promoted the use of condoms and greatly decrease the rates of HIV/AIDs in the US.

So that was just a highlight of the highlights Ann Swidler gave in her talk about her subject. I hope you found it as mind-blowing as I did.

Score!

I am writing to you as a woman fresh in her twenties.

Wow. That sounded disgusting. I am in my twenties. Ugh.

One more year before I can stock my cabinets with wine.

Things that are currently stressing me out:
Planning out life/next year's schedule
Finding a place to live.
Aphio stuff
Aphio stuff
Aphio stuff
Impending papers and midterms
Being behind behind behind on schoolwork
The Nutty Run
Ipod crashing

Fuck. I just want to watch TV, pleasure read, and learn how to play my ukulele (yes, I bought one). Next up, boyfriend.

Ukuleles

I want one.
I want a ukulele and I want to rent a boyfriend and make him sing a duet with me on the following songs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjbSx89Tt5Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvMVCHhwTPs

That would pretty much make my life.

If you have a ukulele you want to sell to me, or if you want to be my boyfriend (or girlfriend, I don't discriminate) for an hour or so, TELL ME. I will pay you. On both accounts. Seriously.

Being Asian

I don't understand it when people say someone is "so Asian."
I am writing this entry as the risk of sounding hypocritical because I use this phrase too. It's become a word that I use now and again to describe something that is stereotypically "Asian." And I understand some of it's uses. I get it if you say someone is "Asian" for liking anime or for watching Korean dramas. Those things come from Asia. Therefore, by association, the people associating themselves with these things are "Asian."

But honestly, some people use the noun-turned-adjective in ways that really do not make sense to me.
For example, I had a friend (I don't remember who this is so sorry if this is you) who visited my dorm last semester. I asked him to guess which bed is mine. Without hesitation, he pointed to the right bed. Then he said, "Your bed is so Asian."
My bed sheets aren't covered with bamboo designs or Chinese characters. In fact, I got the seashell'd sheets from Ikea. Last time I check, they are Swedish.
You could argue that "Asian people like shopping at Ikea because it's cheap," but that's ridiculous. If I was white and had the same bedsheets, would my friend still say that my sheets are "Asian?"

This is one example of how who I am ethnically is being used to explain my actions, choices, or behavior. Sure, it may have some correlation, but it I wasn't Asian, it'd just be a personality trait or a quirk of some sort. Since I have black hair and almond-shaped eyes, the reason why I value my education is because I'm Asian, the reason why I'm a bad driver is because I'm Asian, the reason why I grab a bunch of napkins from the napkin dispenser is because I'm Asian, the reason why I have strict parents is because I'm Asian. The list goes on.

I'm not saying I wish I wasn't Asian. I just wish society would stop using my ethnicity to explain who I am. I mean, the word "Asian" wasn't even used in a broad way until the 1970's. Before that, the Japanese were just Japanese, Koreans were Korean, Vietnamese were Vietnamese, and Chinese were Chinese. Ask any Asian immigrant in the States what ethnic group he identifies with and I guarantee he would not say "Asian." That's because each Asian sub-category is so different and so diverse that people who are part of one don't see themselves to be related to the others. The term "Asian" is merely a term profilerated by the non-Asian society to lump together a diverse group of people and a bunch of stereotypes, relevant or not.

You can say I'm Chinese because I love Chinese food, call me Chinese because I find beauty in the written and spoken language, the culture, and the people. Hell, associate me with being Chinese because of my surname. But I play the piano because I like playing the piano. I value my schooling because I value my future. I grab a bunch of napkins because I use a lot of napkins. Being "Asian" has nothing to do with it.

EDIT:
Friday, April 17th, 2009
This girl in an Asian drama I watched once had the same sheets as me in the show. I cleverly left out that argument. Hahahaha.

Apartment Living

Holy Mother of God.
When I get a house, the first thing I'm going to revel in buying is a washer/dryer.

This morning (technically this afternoon) I woke up and sorted all my clothes, light and dark. I designated today as laundry day days before. I went out to check to see if the machines were taken only to find the only working washing machine to be filled with water. I thought maybe the other one would be fixed so I put in $1.25 in quarters only to find that it doesn't work.

I called Everest Props and basically took it out on them. Then I called the maintenance people for the washer/dryers and they told me they won't be able to come by until tomorrow or Wednesday. I am working on Wednesday and I leave for NY or Thursday so if they don't come tomorrow I am basically screwed.

Now I have giant angry piles of color coordinated dirty laundry in my room and too much angry pepper in my angry fried rice because I did some angry cooking.

ARGH

Identity

In life, we are always trying to "find ourselves." We seek to define who we are, what we stand for, what we want out of this abstract thing we call "life."
In sociology, we learn that there are multiple selves and we are conditioned to move fluidly from one self to another. Who we are as a daughter is different from who we are as a friend, who we are as a student, and who we are as a stranger.
That's a hard concept to grasp. At least for me anyway. We've all been brought up to look down on "posers," people who are faking their identity, pretending to be someone they're not. But if identities are ambiguous, if there is no "real you" or, more appropriately, no "fake you," then what constitutes as posing? If you keep at it long enough, won't you eventually become that person anyway?
I still get mad when friends "change" who they are. It's frustrating when they become someone I can't identify with anymore. But are they more themselves, posing, or did they just develop another "self"?

Is it me who's having the identity crisis?

Shit Dominos

Have you ever had one of those days where in response to a circumstance out of your control, you make a bad choice. That bad choice leads to another one. And that bad choice to another. So you have a domino effect of truly shitty choices and then all the shitty-ness just crashes on top of you because you just happen to be standing at the very end of the shitty domino chain. And when you manage to crawl out of this mounted pile of shit, you discover not only that you are covered with shit but also that you are responsible for cleaning all the shit up. What makes this even more shitty is, you realize that you were the one who inadvertently set up the dominoes in the first place.

That's basically the day I've had.

Every time you close your eyes, Lies, lies!

Today at the end of my sociology class, my professor puts on music like he always does. I immediately recognize that it's The Arcade Fire. When I got out of class, I looked up what song it is on my ipod. It's called "Rebellion (Lies)." We are studying Obedience in class.
I think I'm in love with my professor.

Brain Goop

I am taking a break from studying Immunology...which has made me appreciate the human body. The body's defense system is so friggin' complex and this class just scrapes the surface of it all. Astounding. I mean, if God created human beings AND everything else in the world in 7 days, He must be amazing. Then again, He is God. God would be amazing. Oh God I mixed science and religion in the same entry. Oh great I used God's name in vain while writing about God in the sentence before.
Speaking of God, two very pretty and really well dressed women of the Mormon faith knocked on my door the other day. They asked me if I was interested in the Church of Lather-Day Saints and then handed me a pretty postcard. I felt so honored. Now I have a solicitation story! I always felt like I was missing out on life because no Mormon ever tried to convert me before. I feel like I went through a Rite of Passage.

The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down

I am reading this book for Sociology of Illness and Medicine titled The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down. It's a true story about a Hmong family's interaction with the American Health Care system though their epileptic daughter.
This book is one of the most intense books I've ever read and I am only on chapter nine. Not intense in a edge-of-my-seat kind of way, but an eye-opening experience kind of way. The severely simplified basis of the story is how the Hmong and American cultures clash in terms of health care. Even though both sides have good intentions for the child in question, sincerely wanting only the best for her, the cultural conflict induced frustrations, misunderstandings, and complications on both sides.
I remember getting agitated while reading one of the chapters. The parents of the epileptic child do not understand American medicine. In fact, they believe that the medicine is making her worse and suspect that the doctors are trying to kill her. They don't give her the medicine to make her better. Plus, they aren't proficient in English so they don't understand why or how to give her the prescribed dosages.
At the same time, one of the doctors sent in a recommendation to the government to remove the child from the parents' care so the medication could be properly administered. The parent's aren't abusing the child. They love her and care for her more than anything. They just don't believe in American health care. Yet the government opted to remove the child from their custody.
The thing is, you come to understand the actions of both sides. You see both perspectives. You find that you can't cast blame to anyone. They are all doing what they think is best for the little girl with severe epilepsy. That's what makes the situation so aggravating.

Reading this challenged the whole notion that American medicine is indisputable, that doctors are always right. The idea that even good intentions could have adverse effects is a difficult one to process. All this mixed in with the unbelievable difference between the Hmong community and the one I am used to. In a world so full of different cultures, different practices, and different people, there really is no right or wrong answer to anything. That concept is difficult to process.
I daresay, if this perception of "the other" is ever achieved, we'd be much closer to the whole "world peace" notion of things.

Penny for My Thoughts

I check my facebook way too many times a day.

Remember when the librarian in elementary school taught us how to use card catalogs to find our books? Card catalogs! It's been less than a decade and already the library system and the rest of the modern world have become heavily dependent on the internet.
Hell, the fact that I can meet anyone on campus and 99.9% of the time they would have a facebook is a scary thought.

People who are homophobic annoy me.

I learned "Blackbird" on the guitar. This doesn't mean I am very good at it, it just means I know how to play it. It's been my life's goal to learn that song. I am not quite sure what to do with myself now.

Today, I realized that I am willing to eat a lot of things I would not be willing to eat when I am at home and my mom does all the cooking. My mom is our family vacuum cleaner. She makes odd leftover concoctions. Now, living on my own, shopping, buying, and making my own food, I have to be my own vacuum cleaner.

I wrote most of the last paragraph in past tense, then changed it. (I.e. ...when i WAS at home and my mom DID all the cooking.) Does that suggest that I don't view "home" as "home" anymore?

Yesterday, I had the most intense craving for a tomato-basil salad. It was insanely intense. I couldn't concentrate on the article I was reading for class and I practically salivated all over my keyboard. So I looked up the recipe (there's more to it than tomato and basil) and went to Safeway today because I don't have tomatoes. I had it for dinner and it was AMAZING.

Just in case any of you suffer from chronic tomato-basil cravings, here's the really simple recipe with the most basic "I-am-a-poor-college-student-who-is-hungry-and-lazy" ingredients.
1. Cut up tomatoes, either in slices or apple style. You could chop it finely, but that's just super messy and then you have to do extra cleaning. I chopping up the tomatoes in the bowl I ended up eating from.
2. Remove basil leaves from stem and add in bowl. You could chop that up too but that's just super messy (see above).
3. Mix extra virgin olive oil (EVO, as we who like other people to think we know what we are talking about call it) with a dash of pepper and salt. This is your dressing.
4. Drizzle dressing on tomatoes and basil. Mix with fork that you will later use to eat your dish so you don't have to wash more eating utensils than necessary.
5. Top with grated mozzarella cheese. You can find in it packages at Safeway
6. Saran wrap the bowl, put it in the fridge to chill and marinate and stick a post-it on the bowl addressed to your roommates saying "DO NOT EAT."
7. Honestly, I don't know if marinating did anything. I put mine in the fridge for an hour and couldn't taste the difference between that and just eating it after it's prepared. Maybe I should have added more salt or waited longer. Or maybe I don't have a fine enough palate to tell. So, if you are like me and don't really care, Just skip step 6.

S.A.D.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. To celebrate, I went on a date with the most important person in the world. In fact, without this person, I would cease to exist. That person is me.
I did something I've been meaning to do for a while: go to the theaters and watch a movie by myself.
So I watched Milk. It was AMAZING. Absolutely brilliant. I cried due to happiness. I cried due to sadness. And I thanked God that no one is with me to see me cry so viciously. I grew to respect everyone in the cast who played a gay character...which is pretty much everyone in the cast. I always had this feeling that James Franco is a prick. He just looks like a prick. Now I am more or less in love with him because he made out with Sean Penn.
I know. I have issues.

There's this part in the movie when they were fighting against prop 6, which would mandate the firing public school teachers on the basis of their sexual orientation. The people for it argued that homosexuals corrupt children, destroy "family values," and are unholy. Prop 6 painfully reminded me of Prop 8. The arguments are the same. It's been a whole generation since and nothing has really changed. I have no doubt that anyone and everyone, regardless of sexual preference, would have the right to marriage in my lifetime. But the depressing fact is it takes a really long time to achieve absolute equality of any kind. Perhaps it is something impossible to obtain because we, as human beings, are extremely bad at seeing things from someone else's perspective.

d3ath 2 3nGli5h

First of all, I just want to say that I was once the girl who tYped lYke dIs. It peaked in middle school when I was a notorious note passer (I knew 7 different ways to fold a note).
But shorthand has gotten to a point where I seriously cannot follow it anymore. If I am reading something by a shorthand writer, I have to have Urban dictionary open in a separate window. It is worse than reading Dickens. Along with having to look up every other "word," I am peeved by the fact that it is not English. There aren't suppose to be numbers mixed in with the letters. Unless you have a speech impediment, "th" does not make the "d" sound. And yes, Y is sometimes a vowel, but not quite as often as you think.
1337. I had to look it up earlier. It is the numerical representation of "leet." Leet, or sometimes eleet (31337) comes from the word "elite" meaning superior. As in "I am hella 1337 at WoW."
But it goes further than that. 1337 is actually a language first created by computer hackers. They misspell words, spell words phonetically, replace letters with numbers, and basically make up a bunch of crap that then get proliferated across the computer-using network.
Technology is destroying English.

You know what this is like? This is like Newspeak in 1984. Now there's a scary thought.

Gaydars and Numbed Holidays

So I just found out where and when this cute GSI for one of my classes holds his office hours. It is conveniently located somewhere I frequent.
However, I have a strong suspicion he is gay. His jeans flare. They flare out a good 25 degrees from his knee cap. I measured with a protractor during class.
Haha protractors. Good times.
Anyways, unknown fact about me. 70% of the guys I meet, I suspect are gay. It is unavoidable and most of the time I am wrong. But that 30% of whom I didn't suspect are gay, 15% actually are.
This skewed gay-dar of mine resulted from the fact that I'd fall in love with someone (usually a stranger I've never met) only to find out (usually through facebook) that we share the same taste in movies, music, and men.

Valentine's Day is coming up the day after Friday the Thirteenth. Here's the worst case scenario that I can think of. Someone finally gets asked out by that special someone on the 12th. That special someone breaks up with him/her on the thirteenth. Then the 14th is spent wearing a Crown Royal and getting to know Captain Morgan and Don Julio while enjoying the the Absolut pleasures of Southern Comfort and petting a Grey Goose.

Sociology = Crazy Awesome

This is what I recently learned from one of the articles I had to read from my soc. class.

So there's this thing called "cognitive dissonance." Cognitive dissonance is when you simultaneously have two conflicting ideas, attitudes or beliefs. This is an uncomfortable feeling. When you experience cognitive dissonance, you deal with it by altering your perception of one idea or the other to make it make sense.
The article talked about hazing. Hazing is basically when some exclusive club or fraternity makes potential members do ridiculous, embarrassing, and sometimes painful things to gain entry into the group. This is suppose to build solidarity. But how?
Hazing causes a person to hold two opposing ideas. The club/fraternity is awesome... but hazing is really horrible. Why would this awesome club make me do these horrible things? Thus, cognitive dissonance is formed.
The potential member in question can do one of two things. S/He can convince himself that the hazing process isn't that bad, therefore altering the perception of the hazing process making the experience easier to deal with. But usually, hazing is so horrible that it makes it really hard to just shrug off as "Eh, that wasn't so bad." So the other perception is changed. The club/fraternity is awesome. Really really awesome. It has to be. I wouldn't go through all that shit if it wasn't really really awesome. It was worth it.
Ta-da! We have solidarity!

Mind-blowing, I know.

I should probably cite this just in case...I don't want to get sued when I am actually praising the sociologists who came up with this.


Aronson and Mills (1959) The effect of severity of initiation on liking for a group, Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 59, 177-181

fml

Shit shit shit.
Shit on a stick wrapped in shit dipped in shit drizzled with shit with a dash of shit and a pinch of shit.
Actually the situation isn't all that bad. But I had fun thinking up all of the things you can do to shit on sticks.
Good news, I got into the class I really really wanted to get into.
Bad news is the professor of another one of my classes decided to spontaneously drop me. Why? I don't know. I go to class. I bought the TWO nonrefundable readers yesterday. I even pay attention. Take notes and everything.
This means I have to work up the courage to go talk to him tomorrow.
Luckily, he's adorable.

Irony

First of all, Happy Chinese New Year! May you all prosper from an abundance of red envelops. For all those who aren't Chinese New Year celebrants, haha suckers good luck living off the 20 bucks from your grandma for Christmas.
I know this holiday is about something more than money, but as an ABC, that's the part I am most familiar with. The adults gives us "kids" red envelops with cash in it and there is much joy and celebration. And I put "kids" in quotations marks because it's actually those in the second generation who are not yet married. So this includes my 30-something year old cousin. Along with red envelops, he also gets set up with the daughters of friends and friends of friends and friends of friends of friends.
And my mom asks me why I want to get married before thirty. She's the one who likes to set people up.

Secondly, I talked to my major adviser today. The first thing he said to me is "I really think you should take Biology 1a over the summer."
Of course, I am currently taking 2 Molecular Biology courses to satisfy that Bio prerequisite so I DON'T have to take that class. So now, I have to stay during the summer to take a class I was avoiding in the first place.
I was half laughing half crying on the way home.
The moral of this story is, talk to your adviser as soon and as much as possible.

There is good news though. He magically fit a semester of studying abroad into my tentative schedule AND I can do the double major I wanted. Besides, my mom doesn't want me sitting around the house doing nothing over the summer. I am pretty sure it physically pains her. At least I'd have my hands deep inside rat guts instead. Yay.